Part of my problem is that I am his preschool teacher/gymnastic coach and mother. He definitely doesn't listen to me as a teacher, let alone as his mother. His main problem is he is quite aggressive. Others would probably say REALLY aggressive (especially the ones that continually come home with bruises and beat upon faces) but I am trying to give the guy a little credit? Maybe he is just making up for his size?? Right? maybe? He loves to wrestle, and doesn't usually know when to stop, let alone he shouldn't have started wrestling during carpet time anyway, or in the middle of the family prayer, but he ends up always hurting someone or making them cry. Yes, one of his favorite shows is Transformers and the Power Rangers are becoming a new favorite. I don't not let him watch them, but I'm not setting him in front of a horror movie either. He back talks and screams and punching and his two most common lines are "I'm not your friend!" and "I don't like you!" Replaced sometimes with him/her to fit whoever has ticked him off. The drama that surrounds this kid reminds me of my tumultuous teen years, but he's only 4?!?!Now on to what I have tried:
I've tried ignoring him
Making him draw "I'm sorry" pictures to whoever he has hit/scratched/punched/yelled at.
Remove him from the situation and set him on a chair til he calms down and/or quits crying. During this he is usually screaming that he hates me and scratching my arms or face, whatever he can get at. It's hard to take him out of class and sit with him and expect the other teacher to just take over. Especially when it's 10-15 times a day.
Heck, I've spanked the kid, I won't deny it. I've even lost it quite a few times by grabbing his arm, putting him in a room by himself, just so I can walk away and not beat the crap out of him.
When we are in the car and he screams at me or hits his cousin Ashton or something, I pull over, take him out and sit on the side of the road until he calms down. I have done this up to 11 times on one 15 minute trip to the store. I am as consistent as possible, making me late to church, meetings, school, gym, you name it.
I am always consistent in telling him I love him and asking him what he thinks he did wrong, instead of me telling him.
I understand that I am responsible for the kid, that if he grows up to be a juvenile delinquent its mostly on me, and I understand that I need to be consistent, I try something for a few months before I realize it's not working. But I have always been consistent that this behavior is not okay. And no, he's not getting any better, it's only getting worse. I also understand that if I wasn't his teacher then maybe he would be better, but until the end of this year, I am his teacher, so something has got to happen to get me to the middle of June before him or I or both of us end up in a looney bin!! For this very reason I am quitting my job next year and not teaching and going to stay home and be consistent and make him peanut butter sandwiches after I pick him up from school, but until then what???
I understand that for those that are against spanking are aghast that I would spank him because it's only teaching him to hit back, but I've gone the "stay calm and he won't feed off of your rage" route and it sucked. I lose it, I black out for a minute and I am mad! I don't beat the kid and I've maybe only spanked him a hand full of times, so I don't think that I have beat into him a sense of all physical violence will get you what you want, but I don't think I should lose it in the first place to the point that I want to spank him.
So what I am asking for those out there: H.E.L.P! Please, help me. I know that my son is not the only child out there that is a "difficult" one. They wouldn't have books or therapy or special preschools dedicated to it if it was only my kid. But it's pretty bad. I know that kids have fits, I understand that, I'm a preschool teacher for heaven's sake, but there is something different about him. It's like all the time... and it's so violent... So what do you do? Therapy, books? Special rewards? How do you not go crazy wanting to lock yourself in a room and pray that he turns out a decent member of society? Why is he so mean to friends, why does he freak out and hit everyone? Why does he scream and make these awful "I'm gonna kill you!!" noises?
Today, I feel like a bad mom.
...and what's worse is, is she going to turn out just like him? I don't think I can handle two like that.... (coming from a mom that wanted 8 kids) Ha!
12 comments:
oh man, I am so so sorry...it sounds like we need to put him and cambree in a padded room and let them go at it for awhile. i think they would both get a taste of their own medicine. Cambree screams and throws huge fits over everything. luckily she doesn't hit a ton but she throws more fits then is normal and screams everytime she doesn't get her way. I don't know if Beck reasons at all but I was able to reason with her to a point and SHE decided what she would do when she started these fits. I now remind her to take a deep breathe,(her idea) and sometimes it works and i think it may be getting better. i also let HER decide what happens when she does scream and throws her tantrums, so maybe he can pick out the consequences for doing what you ask and for not doing what you ask...is this making sense?
Also my doctor said that he had a little girl that would scream and throw fits horribly and when she did they would squirt her in the face with a squirt bottle of water...sort of funny, but if it makes them calm down and realize they are being silly it may work! ALthough, he may think it is funny.
Also I DON'T look down on you for spanking, we tried that with Cambree too because seriously nothing was working. we still do occasionally.
I don't have much advice, i am sorry, i hope you do figure something out, and maybe just not being his teacher and him getting out of the house and not being with you for a little while could be the cure for both of your sanity. hang in there.
is there something he absolutley loves, and could not live without? Have you tried taking that away from him?
I'm curious to hear what an "'I'm going to kill you!!' noise" sounds like.
Laughing with you. You're a fantastic mom. I just know it.
My suggestion is to watch Super Nanny and see what kind of tips you can glean from her. I use them on my primary classes (my kids were too old by the time she had her show, even though I think they could still use a good ole naughty spot sitting sometimes) and it has really worked for me.
Hey, and give yourself credit for walking away when that was all you could do! You didn't beat the kid and that's what really matters.
First, I totally understand what you are going through!! Second, the fact that you still care and are looking for solutions shows how great a mom you are! Third, I am still trying to figure out what to do with jake, spanking doesn't work, timeouts don't work. But when he is acting bad I don't want to validate it by giving him all my attention so that may be why time out does work for us. I have used pepper in the mouth and taking favority toys away a/nd grounded from tv. Books: Love and Logic. The Strong Willed Child by James Dobson.
The parent educator for our preschool uses love and logic alot!. I have some of the hand outs I can copy. Hang in there! And if you figure something out let me know!
Hey Korbi!! This too shall pass!! Having said that, I totally get what you are going through. The Parenting With Love and Logic books are awesome. Another thing is to find his cash- his transformer toys, power ranger toys, movies, whatever it is that he totally loves- and take that away. We also have put our boys in the cold shower- fully dressed!! when they were out of control. It really gets their attention. Then they have to undress and dry off by themselves before redressing. It worked wonders! Hang in there sister, you are doing great! Something else to think about is that Heavenly Father designed us to be together as families all the time- separation to go to school is a manmade situation. Maybe quitting and staying home is a good solution in that Beck needs you to be Mom first, always and foremost. Then you can pick up the education in whatever way is right for your family- of course I am very pro home schooling and Kimber curriculum/academy before even considering the public domain. Just my $.02.
call me- I have all the answers! heheheh NOT. But I can tell you what we have done-or what I have seen!
Chad says to get him a class of big boys and let them hit and bunch beck to see how it feels
My initial thoughts are these in no particular order.
1. Can you get a back-up substitute. I'm thinking that if he is going to behave that way at pre-school you should take him directly home and to his room. When London was two, she was a very contrary kid. One day when I had had it, I kept her in time out for literally a day and a half. Not continually, but every time she would tell me "No" she went straight to the high chair. When she would scream and yell I just turned her so she could scream at the wall. After a day and a half she was a whole lot better.
Also, what does Stephen do. They say that the same sex parent is the most influential.
Just some thoughts.
You are a fabulous mom and you will figure it out!
Thank you for all the comments. I just ordered the love and logic and am way excited. All if your $.02 has been greatly appreciated and taken to heart. Pray for me! :)
Wow, I feel sorry for you. I had such perfect little angels when they were little. Ok so it was pure torture when they were teenagers. So look at it this way - they are getting it out of their systems NOW. You will probably have perfect and well behaved teenagers. All kids have to act up some time and this is theirs. Believe me even though it doesn't seem so at the the time - it's a lot easier when they are little than when they are older.
I really believe you probably shouldn't teach your own kids. We tried teaching our kids to ski - what a disaster! So much better when we had someone else do it. Dear Abby or whoever she is had people suggesting the same thing with the water - might work if you can't get his attention. And from all the comments I don't think you are the only parent with this problem. Remember - this too shall pass (and a bigger problem will take it's place). I'm so encouraging but life is hard.
"why be so hard on yourself, nobody's perfect" Lyrics from the song on your blog! Seriously I'm with you though. Cru was like that when he was younger, he's actually kind of grown out of it. He still pulls that crap every now and again, (he's in a phase right now) but overall he's gotten better. Just talk to Beck a lot about how good he is and when he does those naughty things it hurts your heart and Jesus's heart. Also use his favorite character.. like if I were having a behavior problem and you were counseling me you'd say "Kayla how would Edward or Jacob feel about your actions?' I would then immediately cease all bad behavior :) Good luck he'll be fine you're a good mom!
The only thing good abvout this we have ll gone through it at one time or another in raising kids no matter how old they get. Somryimrd yhry judt want your totally undivided attention for a few minutes and hold them tight and teell them how much you love them even if they cant hear you over the screaming. kids will be kids and that is all theere is to it.
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