Stephen and Korbi Ashton Family

"Mama!"

"Mooooom!!!"

"Ahhhhh!!!" 

I'm not going to lose it and yell. 

"I'm sooooo hungry!" 

"Where's my book!" 

"When is lunch?" 

I'm standing in the kitchen barely closing the dishwasher and it's the sound of little feet running to the kitchen asking for a snack. It always happens when I just finish wiping the counter from the last meal. 

I'm not going to yell, they just want a snack. 

But I want to. 

"Where are my shoes?"

"Can my friend come over?"

"Can I play on your phone?"

The doorbell rings as I open the banana peel for the child who just ate their 3rd meal and it's not even lunch yet. The mailman just rang the doorbell and I want to cry because it woke up the baby that has an upset tummy and didn't sleep much last night. And now my 3 year old is standing in the open doorway naked asking the mail man why their nose is so big. 

I will not yell. I will maintain my cool. 

Now screaming baby, toddler wants phone and is in meltdown mode, 9 year old wants friends over, and 3 year old has now attempted to wipe her poopy bum by herself all the while the 7 year old just can't stop having a panic attack about her drawing the she just found in the garbage. 

I'm losing it. There is no way to keep myself contained in the next 5 minutes. Frantically text husband. "Help me." 

"What's up?"

"I'm going to lose it, I can't take any more crying" 

"I'm sorry" 

And that's it, I'm on my own. I can feel the yelling climbing up my throat. 

"Stop touching me! Mom! She's touching me!"

"Ahhhhh!!!"

"I want your phone!" 

STOP! Stop everything!!! Clean up these toys I've stepped on 10 times! How many times have I asked you to put cyour shoes away? Stop answering the door! Where in the hell are your clothes? Please BE QUIET! 

I yelled. I broke. I lost my cool. And now my kids are scared. They are scared of the person that loves them so dearly. The person who would do anything for them. 

And now more tears. 

She just wants a snack. He just wants a friend over to play. She just can't find her pet shop toy. Baby just wants to be held. 

And now I'm crying. I ask for forgiveness. I gather my wits and myself off the floor and I'm going to try this again. I will do better. I will be the mom they need and want. I love them more than life itself and I want to be better. 

I get slobbered with hugs and kisses and "it's ok mommy, I love you" 

"Mom, can I have your phone now?"

And the cycle of motherhood begins again.